having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
