I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
