My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
