Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
