I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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