I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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