I want to stick my p in your. b.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
