Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
