I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Verdict: uncircumcised.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
