hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
