Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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