Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
