I think I won the penis lottery.
farters have to be the big spoon...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
