I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I want to fling myself into the sun
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
