i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Is it because I queefed?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
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