Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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