all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
