I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
