think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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