Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
