so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
