so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
