Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Randomize
