How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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