Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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