I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
just come out here and I will go home with you...
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
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