the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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