I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
