omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
