i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Holy sore nipples Batman
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
