We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
