Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
