I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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