Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
