Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i came on her dog
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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