New invention idea: vibrating tampons
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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