is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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