Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
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