So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
