Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
