I puked a lego.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
