If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
