dude i'm inner monologue high
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
