there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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