I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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