yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
