i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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