taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I will pee on everything he values.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
