Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
