I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
