Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
you told grandpa to call you daddy
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
