Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Just invented taco cereal.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
