You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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