Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
