new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
BRING THE BAGELS
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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