The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
