You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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