apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
