I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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