grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
