that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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