We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
