I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just gift wrapped bread.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
