Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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