I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
